Disney's Frozen

We saw Disney's Frozen shortly after it came out and I of coursed loved it being that it was a Disney movie, but now I have a whole new respect for it. I feel that there is so much power from this movie and the songs.

For me, after all we have experienced with losing Jayden it has taken me to a whole other level.  As soon as it happened I felt that I had to hide from the world, from some family, close friends and work. I had anxiety, my emotions were unpredictable.   I just felt that all I was feeling should be hidden from everyone because it was a feeling that noone would understand.

 So like Elsa she hid her powers(feelings) from everyone else and isolated herself from everyone. There was a point in the movie where Elsa decided that there was no point anymore to hide who she truly is and let everyone see her true powers. She had anxiety about how people would treat her if she showed people her true self, but now she didn't care. She just "Let it Go" and she felt such a release when she let out who she really was. This song shows such emotions and such truth. It really hits home for me. I feel that so many people expect me to act or feel a certain way even though noone truly knows what it is like to go thru losing a child this way unless they have been there before.

I am at the point now where I am going thru the motions and trying to deal with my emotions inside me and the guilt I feel thru all this. The guilt for my body failing Jayden and not protecting him the way it should have, guilt for thinking that I am not being the best mom to Addison and Austen, guilt for not being the best wife, the best friend...the list goes on. I feel at times that I never can do enough for people around me. I know that I need to worry about myself and taking care of me before I can make this next step. I feel that each day I get closer, but then at those times I feel like I am further away from Jayden. I long to feel as close to Jayden as I can while still having that same connection with Addison, Austen and Jay.

I know that this is a constant battle I will deal with for awhile now. I am thankful that Jay and I have a supportive group of people around us. I have posted the lyrics to the song "Let it go". The song is powerful.

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

Sledding fun

Ever since Jay took the kids sledding one day with just the three of them, they have loved it and want to go every chance they can get. The last time they went Addison decided that Mom should come with so I can take pictures. She knows I love taking pictures. The kids had a blast and Austen even went down by himself on the sled. I was nervous for that, but he wanted to do it again and again.

Shedd Aquarium

                                                
We took the kids the Sunday after Austen's birthday party to the Shedd Aquarium. This was their first time for both. I think everyone enjoyed their time! Jay and I loved it as well! We had lots of fun seeing lots of fish and sea creatures!

Support Group

Jay and I went to our second support group meeting this past Monday.  We are thankful for that group and that we have a place where we can go. Jay is great that he goes there with me. He knows how much I need it.  Our bereavement counselor Vikki has been amazing and she always knows right what I am thinking. She reminds me that everything I am feeling, thinking, saying is all normal! I believe I need constant reassurance because sometimes I still can not believe where we are today and what happened back in November/December. I recently went to Kohls to get the perfect picture frame to display our precious Jayden's picture in it. "You are My Sunshine" is what it says on the frame. I have put the frame next to my side of the bed and I talk to him and kiss him every day.

I am struggling a lot lately with the fact that I should be 6 months almost 7 months pregnant instead of where I am today. I have no desire to workout even though I still can't fit into my regular clothes. I look at Jayden's picture and remember that night( how could I forget it for several reasons) , but on how I was handed him on my chest in a blanket. Since I had c sections for the other two kids, they were never able to be placed right on my chest, but my 3rd child who did not survive was placed right on my chest.  I looked at him and cried "I am so sorry" a billion times. I kissed him more times than I can remember and just held on to him so tight. I keep thinking should I have held onto him longer? Did I kiss him enough? Did I examine every bit of his precious little body? I hate this feeling!!!  I also look down at my belly and get so sad that Jayden still isn't in there growing and kicking. I miss that feeling so much! It is when I felt such a connection to him since he was alive and healthy moving around inside of me. That is the closest connection I have to him since when he was born he had already passed away. I didn't get to feel him move and see him stretch and yawn the cute way that babies only can.  I feel like I was cheated out on that experience with Jayden. I know people say "Things happen for a reason", "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"....I think it is all bull! I know things happen to other people, but all I can think about is my son. I will never get to hear his sweet baby talk, watch him crawl for the first time, see how much he loves his siblings by the way he looks at them, I won't ever hear him say Mama or Dada or  I love you. 


I miss him so much!

Happy 4th Birthday Austen Michael!

I can not believe that it has been 4 years since Austen came into the world! He was such a wonderful surprise. He was also the tiniest little boy. We were so surprised to find out that we had a baby boy! He has been the sweetest little boy ever.  I can not believe how fast time has gone. He gives us so much joy and loves looking up to his sister. After the support group Jay and I went to last night, I now realize that after having two miscarriages after Addison that Austen was my Rainbow Baby. When I think about that, it is so true. He has made our life so happy and bright! I love that he still loves to snuggle with me and even though he wipes my kisses off, he still lets me kiss him.  Happy Birthday sweet boy! Mom and Dad love you so much!

Fridays

I will tell you why I love Fridays. Fridays are a day that my mom is usually off from work. Austen and I get to go over to my parents house and spend the day with them. Lately since Austen is getting older we leave him with Grandpa to play so mom and I can run errands, grocery shopping or get our nails done which is what we got to do today. I am very thankful that I am close to my parents and I get to see them as often as I do. My dad has been so great to always run something over to me or always asks if I need anything. I am so blessed to have such amazing parents that love their kids so much and also their grandkids. My kids love going to their house and when it is time to leave they never want to go. Addison and Austen have such a strong connection to my parents it makes it nice to for date nights. The kids love going there and of course always ask if they get to sleepover.
I have been so lucky growing up in the family I have with amazing parents who will do anything for their kids, two sisters who I feel I grow closer to every day and a brother that I know would anything for me or my sisters. I am very blessed to have these amazing people in my life.

God will give you more than you can handle

A friend shared this blog post below with me. I had always believed that God would never give me more than I can handle, that is until we lost Jayden. If I hear that phrase now all I want to do is scream! Why would GOD give me the gift of being blessed with a child only to take him away 21 weeks later??? I still do not understand it! Please read this blog post.
http://lemmonythings.wordpress.com/2014/01/05/god-will-give-you-more-than-you-can-handle-i-guarantee-it/

Fun Pictures

I uploaded my camera and found a lot of funny pictures from New Years Eve! Enjoy

Austen wanted me to take a picture of him and Rexy

Potty training

Last week I thought I would try and potty train Austen again. We were just going to be in underwear all day. He must have been ready, because he is doing great and he is so proud of himself! We went to my parents on Friday and he went 3 times there! Jay and I are so proud of him and can not believe how big he is getting. It makes me sad, but I am happy that he is happy! He is such a sweet little boy!

Fun in the Snow

Jay took the kids sledding on Saturday. The kids had so much fun and braved the cold weather. I am glad that they had this time with their dad. I think Jay even enjoyed himself as well!

Thoughts

I have been thinking lately how people expect me to feel a lot better about all that has happened and losing Jayden. My feelings have not changed and I do think and talk to Jayden daily. I am constantly struggling with things in my head. I try to look like I am doing better because I feel that is how people want to see me. They don't want to see me cry, or talk about what happened. They want me to get on with things or I feel that people act like I was never pregnant. I think that hurts more than anything.
I am trying to be doing the best I can with what has happened, but this is something that noone should ever have to go through. I can't help but still feel responsible for what happened to our precious Jayden. How could this happen to me? I was so careful about everything while I was pregnant, doing everything the doctor told me to do and staying away from the foods/drinks I was supposed to. I took all precautions. I just do not understand why God chose to bless me with this pregnancy only to take it all away at 21 weeks. Why?!?

Everyone says well you will be stronger from this. Jayden was meant to come into your life for a reason. I believe that he was supposed to come into our lives. I was always meant to be Jayden's mother. I just don't understand why he was only here for a short time. I am still and always will be a mother of 3 children. I am blessed with all of my children. My heart just aches for the one child that I will never be able to hold, to read stories to, to watch him crawl,walk, talk for the first time. I just pray everyday that he knows how much I love him and think about him every day.

Necklace

After Jay and I had gotten home from the hospital when Jayden was born, I felt the need to grab onto anything tangible to help me feel close to him. I began looking at jewelry and looked into anything I could. I had friends help me by sending me links to different pieces of jewelry. I finally found a piece that I loved. I knew I wanted to have something that had all three kids names on it. I wanted it to be something I could wear all the time. I found the perfect necklace and Jay bought it for me for Christmas. I absolutely love it. Here is a picture of the beautiful necklace.