Disney's Frozen

We saw Disney's Frozen shortly after it came out and I of coursed loved it being that it was a Disney movie, but now I have a whole new respect for it. I feel that there is so much power from this movie and the songs.

For me, after all we have experienced with losing Jayden it has taken me to a whole other level.  As soon as it happened I felt that I had to hide from the world, from some family, close friends and work. I had anxiety, my emotions were unpredictable.   I just felt that all I was feeling should be hidden from everyone because it was a feeling that noone would understand.

 So like Elsa she hid her powers(feelings) from everyone else and isolated herself from everyone. There was a point in the movie where Elsa decided that there was no point anymore to hide who she truly is and let everyone see her true powers. She had anxiety about how people would treat her if she showed people her true self, but now she didn't care. She just "Let it Go" and she felt such a release when she let out who she really was. This song shows such emotions and such truth. It really hits home for me. I feel that so many people expect me to act or feel a certain way even though noone truly knows what it is like to go thru losing a child this way unless they have been there before.

I am at the point now where I am going thru the motions and trying to deal with my emotions inside me and the guilt I feel thru all this. The guilt for my body failing Jayden and not protecting him the way it should have, guilt for thinking that I am not being the best mom to Addison and Austen, guilt for not being the best wife, the best friend...the list goes on. I feel at times that I never can do enough for people around me. I know that I need to worry about myself and taking care of me before I can make this next step. I feel that each day I get closer, but then at those times I feel like I am further away from Jayden. I long to feel as close to Jayden as I can while still having that same connection with Addison, Austen and Jay.

I know that this is a constant battle I will deal with for awhile now. I am thankful that Jay and I have a supportive group of people around us. I have posted the lyrics to the song "Let it go". The song is powerful.

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway