There isn't an minute, hour, day that goes by that I don't miss you. I will forever wonder why you aren't here with us. As I sit and type this, you are next to me, not physically, but in the box I bought for your ashes. Your box is wrapped in the baby blanket the nurse wrapped you in when you were given to me after birth.
Oh how I wish you were here in my arms, but that was not your story. I feel robbed of so much. I never got to see you open your eyes, would they have been blue like your brothers or brown like your sisters? I never got to see you smile, hear you laugh, see you take your first step, hear you say "Mama" for the firs time. My heart breaks for the loss of you every day.
As, I look back on pictures over the past 6 years, it breaks my heart that you are not in any of them. Looking thru all those memories, vacations, milestones in our family, but you weren't physically here. That is not okay with me. I know you are with me in my heart and I see you thru Austen, but I will never be okay with you not being here with us.
Austen talks about you all the time. He wonders what you are doing up in heaven. He asks if you have friends. He also asks if you have found Papa. He knows for sure that Ariel has found you and she is laying on you like she always laid on me. He says you are giving her hugs for us.
I try so hard every day to make you proud and to share your story with everyone that I meet. I know today is not one of my strongest days, but I can't help it. I am so sorry for not being able to save you. As I lay here in my bed drowning in my tears, trying to catch my breathe, I just hope you know how much I love you. Dad and I were so excited when we found out I was pregnant with you. I treasured every single day I was pregnant. I loved feeling you move, I loved tracking the milestones and loved every chance I got to go in for a doctor's appointment. I would do it all over again even if it meant just to have 21 weeks with you all over again.
I never thought I would make it past the first year after losing you, but here I am 6 years later. I am not the same person I was before, but I would never want to be that person again. I pray that I am helping other moms that have lost a child like you by sharing your story. I also pray that for everyone of those moms I have met, you have met that child. I picture you with lots of kids that have parents on earth while you all run all over heaven and wait till we get there.
I like to picture you building sandcastles on the beach in heaven and that when you finally turn around I will be right there behind you. You will run to hug me and I will never let you go.
I can only imagine the party they are throwing for today in heaven. I know Papa is there trying to steal your cake and make you laugh. I know that there are many others there with you like Muz, Boppa and Grandpa Ken as well. I can just picture all the other babies who have gone too soon as well surrounding you and celebrating you.
Jayden Christopher, you are missed and loved so much more than you may ever know.
Dragon tales and the Water is Wide
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
God bless Mommy and matchbox cars
God bless Dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "amen" wherever we are
And I love you
