Dear Jayden..

Jayden,

How can it be almost a year since you came into this world?!? At 7pm a year ago my world changed forever. I still till this day did not believe that this would ever happen to me. Daddy and I were so excited to see you in the ultrasound. You were so active and had such a strong heartbeat. We loved you from the minute I was pregnant. You were so wanted and so loved. I loved our moments when I would lay in bed and just feel you kick and move. They were my favorite moments. Do you know how much I miss you? I really hope you do. My heart beats for you every day.   Your sister and brother talk about you a lot and miss you too. Austen doesn't understand as much, he keeps asking when you are coming back. Oh how I wish it was that easy.  I pray that you are surrounded by love ones, as well as other babies that have gone to soon. I pray that Paige, Hope, Reese, Tyler all surround you. I pray that they are having a huge birthday party for you.  We are planning one for you as well. We even got you a cake that you Daddy picked out. I promise you that Mommy will do her best to make your day the best that it can be. The problem is you are not here. I know I will see you again someday, but my arms ache for my missing child. I still remember the doctor giving you to be after I delivered you and my angel Audree right there with me. I couldn't have done it without her. Your Daddy is so strong, he is strong for mommy because somedays are just too tough for me. He misses you so much Jayden. He loves you so and I know he treasured the time he got to spend with you. I wish I could hold you again...I know some day I will, but right now I want to hold you.  I wish there was a way for me to know you were with me. You were the most perfect boy ever and I know you would have looked just like your big brother!  

Mommy misses you my sweet boy! I hope you can feel my love and kisses all the way from here! I love you more than you will ever know! ⭐️💙

Love your Mommy

My heart is hurting

Today has hit me pretty hard....I still can not believe it has been almost a year since I held my sweet boy in my arms. I love you Jayden

Happy Thanksgiving Jayden

Today is Thanksgiving, you should be almost 8 months old. You would probably be sitting on your own or maybe even started to crawl. I wish I knew if you had blue eyes like Austen or brown eyes like your sister. I miss you so much. I am so thankful that I got carry you and bound with you. There is this one line from one of my new favorite songs "I Will Carry You" by Selah that says it all.

"Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you"

I am thankful for you. I hope you know that Jayden. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I wish I could hold you right now. I hope you know how much we wanted you and wish you could have stayed with us. I still don't know why you had to leave and there is still apart of myself that blames myself. I am so sorry my sweet boy! I wish my body wouldn't have failed you. I love you with all my heart and I will forever keep you in my heart until I get to hold you again.

Soul Sister

I am so thankful for this women right here. I met her thru the founder of Hope Mommies ⚓️! I was in search of someone who could relate and understand what I was feeling. Erin gave me Jennifer's contact information and as soon as we chatted I knew that she was an amazing person.  We would text back and forth and the connection was so strong. I was so relieved to find someone that knew exactly what it was like to lose a child so early. She lost her sweet daughter Paige Marie 4 years ago. Her strength amazes me. I know that I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her. She is always sending me and sharing with me things, thoughts, pictures anything that she thinks would be helpful to me. Every time I talk to her I find such comfort and my heart is happy. We used to FaceTime a lot, but it is getting harder with our kids wanting to be apart of the conversation. Yesterday we just talked on the phone, but just hearing her voice and sharing what was going on made me feel so full and happy.  I have to say we have never met in person, but I am hoping and praying we get to meet in person within the next year. I would give her the strongest hug. I love her with all my heart and I am so thankful she is in my life! Love you my soul sister 💜!

Today

This is a hard morning for me. A year ago today I had my Level 2 ultrasound to check on our sweet baby and the high risk doctor said the baby looked perfect. He was pleased with all he saw. Jay and I left his office feeling so good and relieved. I know I was. Little did we know just 4 short days later our world will change forever. My heart breaks, I can remember seeing our little one moving around and so active. I still do not know why this is my reality and why God had to take our sweet little boy.

Jayden's tree

I just got some new lights for Jayden's tree and it makes me happy. I love looking at his tree and seeing his ornaments. It makes me sad that he is not here, but I also love when the lights are on. I am all about having tangible items since I don't have my boy with me. This time is just getting harder and harder. I can feel the inside on my heart hurting. I honestly can not believe it has been a year since this all has happened. I honestly am not sure what else to say right now.

Jayden-

Mommy misses you so much. I hate that you are not here with me and despite what others say it is not any easier. I am still not where I thought I would be. I wish I could hold you and kiss you. I hope you know how much I love you and want you hear with me every day. I hope you can feel my love. I miss you so much! I wish I could feel that you are near me. My heart aches every day for you.

November

I haven't felt like updating my blog lately, I am not sure why. I always love to blog. It could be that I don't have the time to just sit down and write out my thoughts. The time is getting near to when I lost Jayden and I just can not believe it will be here so soon. I am in such a daze some days and other days I am so overwhelmed I feel like I am drowning. 

Somedays I can not believe this is my reality. I am trying really hard to go thru each day and get thru it the best way I know how. I am have been trying to get the most out of my bible study group, but some days are hard because I am still not there with God. I am trying, but it hurts still so much. Just sitting here right now I am just so angry and don't understand why this had to happen to me. I know I may never know, but all I want is for Jayden to be here. I want to hold him and kiss him. I want to look into his eyes. I want to see the smile on his face when he sees me. I want to hear his cry. It is so hard being at work with the babies and seeing their look on their face when their mom picks them up. It makes my chest hurt. 

Jayden, mommy misses you so much and I would do anything to have you here...with me. 💜

It has been awhile

It has been awhile since I have made an entry. Things have been crazy lately.  This past weekend we went to Peoria to visit some college friends. We always have so much fun because the kids always get along so well. I am thankful that we have each other!  It is always so fun for Jay and I to get back to Bradley. We can not believe it has been so long. So many good memories!