Thoughts

I have been thinking lately how people expect me to feel a lot better about all that has happened and losing Jayden. My feelings have not changed and I do think and talk to Jayden daily. I am constantly struggling with things in my head. I try to look like I am doing better because I feel that is how people want to see me. They don't want to see me cry, or talk about what happened. They want me to get on with things or I feel that people act like I was never pregnant. I think that hurts more than anything.
I am trying to be doing the best I can with what has happened, but this is something that noone should ever have to go through. I can't help but still feel responsible for what happened to our precious Jayden. How could this happen to me? I was so careful about everything while I was pregnant, doing everything the doctor told me to do and staying away from the foods/drinks I was supposed to. I took all precautions. I just do not understand why God chose to bless me with this pregnancy only to take it all away at 21 weeks. Why?!?

Everyone says well you will be stronger from this. Jayden was meant to come into your life for a reason. I believe that he was supposed to come into our lives. I was always meant to be Jayden's mother. I just don't understand why he was only here for a short time. I am still and always will be a mother of 3 children. I am blessed with all of my children. My heart just aches for the one child that I will never be able to hold, to read stories to, to watch him crawl,walk, talk for the first time. I just pray everyday that he knows how much I love him and think about him every day.