Support Group

Jay and I went to our second support group meeting this past Monday.  We are thankful for that group and that we have a place where we can go. Jay is great that he goes there with me. He knows how much I need it.  Our bereavement counselor Vikki has been amazing and she always knows right what I am thinking. She reminds me that everything I am feeling, thinking, saying is all normal! I believe I need constant reassurance because sometimes I still can not believe where we are today and what happened back in November/December. I recently went to Kohls to get the perfect picture frame to display our precious Jayden's picture in it. "You are My Sunshine" is what it says on the frame. I have put the frame next to my side of the bed and I talk to him and kiss him every day.

I am struggling a lot lately with the fact that I should be 6 months almost 7 months pregnant instead of where I am today. I have no desire to workout even though I still can't fit into my regular clothes. I look at Jayden's picture and remember that night( how could I forget it for several reasons) , but on how I was handed him on my chest in a blanket. Since I had c sections for the other two kids, they were never able to be placed right on my chest, but my 3rd child who did not survive was placed right on my chest.  I looked at him and cried "I am so sorry" a billion times. I kissed him more times than I can remember and just held on to him so tight. I keep thinking should I have held onto him longer? Did I kiss him enough? Did I examine every bit of his precious little body? I hate this feeling!!!  I also look down at my belly and get so sad that Jayden still isn't in there growing and kicking. I miss that feeling so much! It is when I felt such a connection to him since he was alive and healthy moving around inside of me. That is the closest connection I have to him since when he was born he had already passed away. I didn't get to feel him move and see him stretch and yawn the cute way that babies only can.  I feel like I was cheated out on that experience with Jayden. I know people say "Things happen for a reason", "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"....I think it is all bull! I know things happen to other people, but all I can think about is my son. I will never get to hear his sweet baby talk, watch him crawl for the first time, see how much he loves his siblings by the way he looks at them, I won't ever hear him say Mama or Dada or  I love you. 


I miss him so much!