Today

Today is a day that never should have had to happen. Today Jay and I had to go pick our baby boy at the funeral home. Today my heart broke even more and I didn't think that was even possible.

Jay went in as I sat in the car with Austen. As soon as we pulled up, I was in tears, why today on the day that I should have been 24 weeks pregnant did we have to be going to the funeral home. Thank god for Jay for being strong enough to go into the funeral home. I just sat in the car thinking on how I should be so excited for Christmas next week and to be so happy with everything. Today I shouldn't be sitting at my kitchen table as I write this with my son in a memory box with his baby blanket wrapped around him. I am doing anything to help me to try to feel close to him. Lord knows I would give ANYTHING to hold him in my arms again. I can't thank Audree(my angel nurse) for telling me that I am going to want to hold my baby when he came out. She was so right! Thank you so much Audree, you gave Jay and I that extra time with our son. I love you for that!

People said we should feel better that Jayden is now home with us. I am glad that he is home with us, but I would rather have him in my arms when we came home for the first time. I really thought I was doing better, but this definitely has set me back. It will be 3 weeks since Jayden was brought into the world and then taken from us. It still feels like just yesterday, although still also feels like an awful nightmare that I wish I would wake up from. I know that won't happen.