It has only been a little over 2 weeks that we went thru the hardest thing that we have ever been through. I told Jay that I wanted to go get checked out the Saturday after Thanksgiving because I was having pains, we found out later after getting hooked up to machines and all that I was in fact having contractions. After the Doctor came in to check me I was 4 cm dilated and I was going to be delivering the baby tonight. He then told me just in case that was bad enough, that there was no hope for survival of the baby since I was just 21 weeks. I felt like Jay and I were punched in the stomach and they let all the air out of us. I of course then burst out into tears. How in the world could this be?!? I have to be in some sort of nightmare right??? WRONG! This was all happening and it was real as it would ever be!
I found out that I seemed to have been diagnosed Chorioamnionitis, which pretty much means there was an infection in my uterine wall and the only solution is to have the baby delivered as soon as possible. When I heard this news there was a rage of emotions and questions that came through-out my head:
- Is this hurting the baby right now?
- Is the baby in pain?
- How is this affecting me?
- Why is this happening?
- Can my labor be stopped??
Jay and I cried and cried for awhile. One of the hardest parts about all this was that there was no reason why this was all happening?!? The doctor assured us that I would be okay, because I was scared for my safety since I was going to have deliver vaginally and before I had only had c sections. I thought of Addison and Austen and how I wanted to hug and kiss them again before going thru all this. I kept looking at their pictures on my phone. Then every now and then I would feel the baby move, the baby that was still inside of me and still had a heartbeat. How cruel could this be?!? The doctor said that the baby may come out breathing, but it wouldn't last long. I should mention that as soon as I hear this awful news we got a new nurse that came on at 7:00pm. Audree was her name, she was and will forever be my angel. She was my strength when I had none and was the voice of reason when I couldn't hear or even focus on anything. She was there to take care of me thru this whole experience and to make sure I was as comfortable as I could be. Jay and I have such a connection with her that I am still in contact with her. When you go thru something as traumatic as we have been it is so amazing to have someone like Audree to be there for us. She not only took care of us, my whole family, but also took care of our baby boy. Jay and I didn't know the sex of the baby, we were going to be surprised just like the other two times. We had both agreed that there are not enough surprises in life. At first I didn't know if I wanted to see the baby, let alone hold the baby, but Audree gave me some great advice that I am going to want to hold my baby. Boy was she right, for as soon as the baby was delivered she put him in a baby blanket and placed him on my chest. My fears about myself went away and my only concern as I cried "I'm sorry" to my tiny baby boy was that I would do anything to make him okay.
Jay and I were faced with so many questions and things that needed to be figured out. They were things we didn't think we needed to worry about after bringing another child into the world. We needed to contact a funeral home, plan arrangements, decided if we wanted an autopsy done. I am still in shock of all of this. Thankfully again Jay and I had each other, as well as our parents, and an amazing nursing staff. My mom had been in the room when I delivered and thank goodness she was there as well. It helped to have another person in there for support and someone to take in information that Jay and I couldn't take in ourselves. We were given time just the three of us after our son was born and all we could do was cry and look at how perfect our little boy was. He was absolutely perfect. Our nurse Audree, offered to take pictures for us. When she brought him back to us she had found him a precious blue hat, blue diaper and white blanket that he was wrapped in. She also gave us a memory box of some things as well as the CD of pictures she had taken. I think we maybe slept for 45 min after he was born and we had to say goodbye to him. Jay and I decided on a name for our angel baby boy, who we would not be taking home, Jayden Christopher Baedke. Life just kept getting harder and harder and all I wanted to do was hide.
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