Our precious boy

Yesterday we had a memorial service at St. Mary's for our Jayden. This had to be one of the hardest things we had to go through. As we drove to the church, tears started flowing down my face and I thought we shouldn't be on our way to have a memorial service for our son that we lost. We should be finishing up our Christmas shopping, baking cookies, and just enjoying the season.  My heart was breaking inside as I held the memory box that had our baby boy inside with his baby blanket wrapped around it. He should still be in my belly, growing, happy, and alive. I still have moments more often that I can count that I have to think wait this is just some nightmare that I will wake up from. I am sad when I realize no this my reality.

Please don't get me wrong, Jay and I are blessed with Addison and Austen! We are blessed and thankful that they are both happy, healthy and very active children. They are hurting just as we were hurting just showing it in a different way. They were both amazing during the service. Jay and I were really proud of them and they were both able to hug Jayden's memory box and it melted my heart. We lit a candle after the service for him, well actually Addison did and we sat there as a family and prayed as I held my baby in my arms. I never thought in a million years that Jay and I would have to experience this.

We now have Jayden home with us and as people tell us we should feel good that he is home, there is a piece in my heart that is empty. I want to be able to cuddle my boy, give him kisses and tell him how very much he was wanted and how much his father and I love him. We miss him so much! I am still not at the point where I can find comfort that he is with God in heaven, my anger is still with God and I believe he knows that and is okay with that. Our priest that did the service asked if we would be willing to talk to him after the new year and I think we just might do that. I am very much looking forward to our next support group at the hospital with our amazing bereavement nurse Vikki. She is amazing and has been a strong support for us during this time as well. We are lucky to have so many friends and family praying for us. We need all the support we can get.