Summer...what is Summer?

 Man oh man, I have dropped the ball yet again on updating this blog.

 I would like to say I will get better, but life just keeps getting crazier and crazier. We are moving out in less than a week here of our home we have been in for 14 years. I can't even believe it. We have made so many memories in this house. 

A week from today we will say goodbye to our first home.
The home we have been in for 14 years.
The home we moved into when I was pregnant with Addison.
The home we brought 2 babies home.
The home we returned after losing Jayden.
The home we had many birthday celebrations.
The home both of our kids crawled for the first time and took their first steps.
The home we celebrated many holidays in.
The home that we had to say goodbye to our sweet Ariel.

We never thought we would be in this house for as long as we have been, but it has brought us so many joys and happy memories. I also wouldn’t have thought we would be moving during a pandemic, but this is what it is.

We are so blessed and so thankful.💗

Easter...Quarantine Style

So Easter was a little different this year as well as everything else. We had a nice casual morning at home and my parents stopped by with Easter goodies for the kids. It was so weird not having to rush anywhere.

These times are tough, but I know we will be stronger once we make it thru to the other side of all this. The kids are struggling a bit with not being able to see friends or hug my parents, but this will all pass. I have hope and faith that we are getting closer to the time that things will slowly get back to a little bit of normal life. It will of course never be the same, but nothing really ever is.

 Social Distancing Easter Picture

What day is it?

I swear it sure is hard to keep track of what day it really is. It is hard to imagine the time when we were able to go to work, when the kids were in school, when we got to see family.

How is everyone doing out there? We have had some good moments. Last week was Spring Break, but it was different than it was supposed to be. Kids did not have get togethers with friends, I didn't get to have a girls night with my friends, Jay didn't get to travel for work.

We are enjoying family time by watching some movies that Jay and I loved. There are days when it feels like we are just in the movie Groundhog day. I know this is all necessary, but I am praying it all ends soon.

I have been keeping sane by getting up early and working out with my workout group. We get up by 6 to do a workout together via Zoom. It is so motivating! I love it!  I also got to catch a singer that Jay and I used to listen to at the Bradley bars... Hello Dave.

The kids also have been able to use Zoom to see their classmates and teachers. I keep reminding the kids that they are so lucky to have this technology to keep up with their school work and to FaceTime with their friends.

Here are some pictures from the past couple of days!

A Week

We have made it a week of being in the house. The kids survived their first week of e-learning and now we are officially on Spring Break!
We didn't have plans for Spring Break, but we at least planned on going places. We were going to head to Iowa to visit friends and family, but that had to be cancelled. This past weekend should have been Addison's last tournament with her volleyball team.

There are times when it is getting tough and we don't think there is an end in site, but I have hope that this will all come to an end soon enough. We will learn to appreciate so much more.

I admit the kids are handling it a little better than I am, but I am trying. Addison has been doing fashion shows with her clothes and cleaning out her closet of clothes that do not fit anymore or that she just doesn't like. Austen has been keeping busy with his drawing, listening to his favorite tv stars, reading. Here are some pictures of the last couple of days.

Day 2

Here is to Day 2 of e-learning. I think we did pretty good. I have hope and faith that we will get through this and be stronger because of it!

We had to get Addison's tooth fixed from when she fell. I treated them to McDonalds and then we headed home. We had e-learning for most of the afternoon. Austen and I took a virtual tour of the National History Museum in DC. It was pretty cool/ We decided to take break and went for a  walk. We then celebrated with a green milk and green beer. 

We will get through this! 

Update

I always plan to update more on here, but as always other things get in the way. Due to the US Coronavirus outbreak we are being forced to stay inside as much as we can and away from big crowds.

• Kids school have been closed.
• My work has been closed
• Starting today restaurants and bars will be closed to dine-in

I have seen lots of things come out from this outbreak and one thing that I think we need to remember is being kind doesn't cost a thing. I just don't understand all the rudeness and judgement. We need more smiles and less hate.

I will be better at updating. Today marked Day 1 of the kid's e-learning. It went surprisingly well! I am currently on my own while Jay is at work, but hopefully will be home sooner than later! 

Letter to Jayden

Today is 6 years since I last held you, how can that be? How can it be 6 years since I last felt you, heard your heartbeat? It seems like forever, but also seems like yesterday.
There isn't an minute, hour, day that goes by that I don't miss you. I will forever wonder why you aren't here with us. As I sit and type this, you are next to me, not physically, but in the box I bought for your ashes. Your box is wrapped in the baby blanket the nurse wrapped you in when you were given to me after birth.
Oh how I wish you were here in my arms, but that was not your story. I feel robbed of so much. I never got to see you open your eyes, would they have been blue like your brothers or brown like your sisters? I never got to see you smile, hear you laugh, see you take your first step, hear you say "Mama" for the firs time. My heart breaks for the loss of you every day.

As, I look back on pictures over the past 6 years, it breaks my heart that you are not in any of them. Looking thru all those memories, vacations, milestones in our family, but you weren't physically here. That is not okay with me. I know you are with me in my heart and I see you thru Austen, but I will never be okay with you not being here with us.

Austen talks about you all the time. He wonders what you are doing up in heaven. He asks if you have friends. He also asks if you have found Papa. He knows for sure that Ariel has found you and she is laying on you like she always laid on me. He says you are giving her hugs for us.

I try so hard every day to make you proud and to share your story with everyone that I meet. I know today is not one of my strongest days, but I can't help it. I am so sorry for not being able to save you. As I lay here in my bed drowning in my tears, trying to catch my breathe, I just hope you know how much I love you. Dad and I were so excited when we found out I was pregnant with you. I treasured every single day I was pregnant. I loved feeling you move, I loved tracking the milestones and loved every chance I got to go in for a doctor's appointment. I would do it all over again even if it meant just to have 21 weeks with you all over again.

I never thought I would make it past the first year after losing you, but here I am 6 years later. I am not the same person I was before, but I would never want to be that person again. I pray that I am helping other moms that have lost a child like you by sharing your story. I also pray that for everyone of those moms I have met, you have met that child. I picture you with lots of kids that have parents on earth while you all run all over heaven and wait till we get there.

I like to picture you building sandcastles on the beach in heaven and that when you finally turn around I will be right there behind you. You will run to hug me and I will never let you go.


I can only imagine the party they are throwing for today in heaven.  I know Papa is there trying to steal your cake and make you laugh. I know that there are many others there with you like Muz, Boppa and Grandpa Ken as well. I can just picture all the other babies who have gone too soon as well surrounding you and celebrating you.

Jayden Christopher, you are missed and loved so much more than you may ever know.

Dragon tales and the Water is Wide

Pirates sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you

Godspeed little man

Sweet Dreams little man

Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

The rocket racer's all tuckered out

Superman's in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse

And I love you

Godspeed little man

Sweet Dreams little man

Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)

God bless Mommy and matchbox cars

God bless Dad and thanks for the stars

God hears "amen" wherever we are

And I love you

Godspeed little man

Sweet Dreams little man

Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings

Godspeed Godspeed