Making Sense of it all..

I am constantly trying to make sense of all that has happened to us in the last couple of months and you know what I get stuck at a brick wall every single time. I get frustrated trying to explain myself to my friends when I am having a bad day... "What is wrong" they ask. It is SO hard for people who have NOT been thru something like this to understand that there are up days and that there are down days. I feel like lately there have been alot of down days mixed into a couple of good days! The hardest part is trying to make sense of it all in my head! I feel most of the time everything goes on inside me. I rarely voice out these thoughts unless I am at my support group, talking to my counselor or Jay and I happen to have a discussion about it because he can tell I am having one of those days.

Those days consist of going back to being pregnant and back to that night where I lost our son because of an infection in MY body!!! I look at Jayden's picture all the time. I talk to him and try to talk to God in hopes that he can help me find some comfort in all this, because frankly I want to scream at him most of the times! I am thankful for my dear friend Jennifer, who is also a fellow Hope Mommy and knows exactly what it is like to go thru something like this. The only problem is she lives in Washington and that is just too far away. I know there are people that just want me to get stronger and to just worry about me. Well if you are those people then I suggest you take a few steps back and let me deal with this the only way I know how!!!

I am trying to hard to have HOPE in all this and faith that I will see my precious boy again!