Remembering

Today is a very hard day for me and other mom's around the world. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Losing my sweet boy Jayden is probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It is a hole that will never be healed. In our support group we always say this is the "club" that no mom ever wants to be a part of, but yet it is a bond that no one else could ever understand. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think or talk about him. Please join my family and light a candle tonight at 7:00 pm in honor of Jayden and all the other sweet babies that have gone too soon!

Capture Your Grief

The past couple of days I have participated in Capture Your Grief sharing for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I will copy and paste the entries that I have done so far.

Capture Your Grief: Altar 

I have many places around my house where there is something there that reminds me of Jayden. I have his picture with our family pictures, I have his memory box where he is wrapped in his blanket next to my bed on my nightstand along with his picture, I have the picture of his name written in the sand with a starfish that was given to me by Jay last Christmas. The place in the house where I have the most stuff is my dining room. I have a tree that Ikeep up all year round with all of his ornaments, anything that I have found with his name or had made. I have starfish that also had on that tree. I also have many quotes that were given to me that remind me of Jayden. I have his memory card that the funeral had made with a quote I had picked out. Eventually we would like to get a tree in our backyard to plan and have a memory garden for him. Some people may think that is a lot of stuff to have for a child that doesn't live in this house, but you know for me I had to find every tangible item I could to grab on to since I do not have a baby to hold. I will continue to look for things that remind me of my sweet boy. By having those things I feel that it helps me in the grieving process, that truly never ends.

Capture Your Grief: Support

When something like this happens people's true colors come out. I was thankful to have a tight family and a couple close friends that were there for me during this awful time. I had many friends bring meals, send flowers, notes and they did all these things even though they knew I couldn't see them...I didn't want to see anyone. They accepted that. They not only accepted it, but still stood by me supporting me even though I couldn't even talk on the phone to them. Many of them had never experienced a loss so they honestly had know idea what I was going through. The only support people I could bring myself to talk to was immediate family, my angel nurse Audree and Vikki who was a bereavement counselor at the hospital I delivered Jayden. I found a support group thru her and started to find comfort in the fact that I wasn't alone. Another support for me has been the organization Hope Mommies. I found them and connected with other moms who had known what it was like to lose a child. I recently joined a moms bible group where I met yet another mom who lost a child, she didn't have to share her loss with me, but she did and I am forever thankful for her. Thanks to her sharing we formed an instant friendship. Support is such an important thing when you lose a child and I am so thankful for my support group!

Capture Your Grief:

I haven't participate in the whole month for this, but thought I would start on Day 9 and go thru the 15th. There is a lot I do to remember my sweet boy. I am constantly trying to educate people to know that losing Jayden wasn't just another miscarriage. I held my sweet boy in my arms for hours and kissed him. I delivered him. I have a beautiful tree that I have decorated with ornaments with his name and starfish which is my symbol for him. I have always loved the beach and to have the starfish be his symbol means so much! 

I know that some people think okay well I should be "over" it. I am thinking what does that even mean? I feel like saying could you just forget one of your kids?? I know this is such a hush hush topic, but why should it be?? It happens 1 in 4 women. We need to help break the silence and remember the sweet babies that are no longer with us.

Pumpkin Patch

Yesterday I was lucky enough to go with Austen's school to the Pumpkin Patch. I had such a great time. Austen loved every part of it including seeing his best buddy Mason there. They followed each other everywhere. It was adorable!!! I am thankful that I am able to attend these field trips with my kids. I will always remember these times with my kids and I really hope they remember them as well! 💜

Mom's Bible Study

This past week I went to my 3rd Mom's Bible study group on Thursdays mornings. I can not say how thankful I am that I found this group. My friend Maggie had invited me before, but it had taken me awhile to want to try it out. I was raised religious, but never thought I always understood everything there was to understand. This women have opened their hearts and arms to me and have been so welcoming. I am thankful for them and this group. I am also thankful that I am beginning to really see that between this past very challenging year that God has never left my side. He let me curse him, scream at him, tell him how angry I was at him and he just stood there saying "Go ahead get it out I am still here no matter what" I think that is amazing. I think it is even more amazing that I am beginning to see that.

Just a Note..just for Mom!

So I was thinking, I used to use this blog a lot more to write my thoughts and just write what I have been feeling. I liked that. I feel like this blog is an outlet for me, yes I love sharing photos of my kids and talking about what they have been up to. I thought though why not once or twice a week I write about what is going on in my "Mom" world. My kids are of course two of the most important people in my life and I would do anything for them, but that is not all I am.  I heard recently from an interview that when someone asks you what you do never say "Oh I'm just a mom", because we are more than just a mom to our kids. I think it is easy to lose a part of who you are when you are a mom because literally all of your time, energy, everything goes to your kids. I have found that as my kids have gotten a little bit older that it is okay to have "me" time. I feel that I am so much better of a mom after I have gotten a little time by myself, girls night, workout, manicure...anything really.

I think moms some times feel guilty for that, but you need that time. Obviously when your kids are first born you need to be there for them for everything. It is still important to have that down time or a least 15 min of "Mom" time. It is a good time to just recharge. Us moms have lots of day to day struggles, I know my latest is just fitting into normal clothes. I used to fit into a certain size and after the last year we had it has been tough. I just want to feel good in my own skin and it is hard. I did just order a pair of jeans online at Kohls and by a small miracle they fit!!!! They even look cute too! This was just such relief! I am so thankful! It is really the little things that make us moms happy! I love my kids more than life itself, but feeling good in my own skin and own clothes makes a world of difference.

Mr. and Mrs. Portanova

We have had a busy past couple weeks of weddings in our family! The weather could have been better, but Katie and Stefano's wedding weekend was such a fun time! It was special since I was a bridesmaid and Addison and Austen were also in the wedding. I am still waiting to see the amazing photographs that the photographer took at their wedding! Here are some of just the many pictures that I had taken. Enjoy!