Hope Mommies Retreat

I am sitting here right now listening to the Hope Mommies Retreat Playlist thru Spotify and letting the music fill my soul. This past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting other Hope Mommies, other women who have lost a baby. It is something that I never wanted nor would have I ever expected to experience. I have not been the same since losing Jayden, nor would I want to be that person I was.
After a weekend like the one I have experienced, I have so many more emotions that are flowing in me. I loved being around other mommies that understand what it feels like to lose a child. It is a place where I don't have to worry about getting weird looks or the sad face because in all honesty anyone that hasn't experienced a pregnancy loss doesn't get it.

I connected with 2 girls there that had also lost boys. I am thankful for them and connecting with them. Pregnancy loss is something that no one should have to experience, but as I have seen after losing Jayden it happens way too often.  I want to be able to help other moms create a place that is safe and they can celebrate their babies. The Hope Mommies Retreat is just once a year, I would love to have some place to go to more often.

I plan on doing more things to get me closer to Jayden and to God. I know that he is near, sometimes it is harder than others to feel him close, I know he is there.

#Iamahopemom

The New Normal

I came across this today and boy is it the truth. I feel like some of my friends feel like well enough time has passed I should be back to who I was.  After losing Jayden I became a person I never knew, a totally different person, mom, wife. I will never be that same person again. I still have so much anger. Why is this my reality ? Somedays I wake up thinking surely this can't have really happened to me? I had already had two miscarriages, why on earth did I have to go through this and lose my precious, perfect baby boy??

My heart is hurting

Today has hit me pretty hard....I still can not believe it has been almost a year since I held my sweet boy in my arms. I love you Jayden

Happy Thanksgiving Jayden

Today is Thanksgiving, you should be almost 8 months old. You would probably be sitting on your own or maybe even started to crawl. I wish I knew if you had blue eyes like Austen or brown eyes like your sister. I miss you so much. I am so thankful that I got carry you and bound with you. There is this one line from one of my new favorite songs "I Will Carry You" by Selah that says it all.

"Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you"

I am thankful for you. I hope you know that Jayden. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I wish I could hold you right now. I hope you know how much we wanted you and wish you could have stayed with us. I still don't know why you had to leave and there is still apart of myself that blames myself. I am so sorry my sweet boy! I wish my body wouldn't have failed you. I love you with all my heart and I will forever keep you in my heart until I get to hold you again.

Soul Sister

I am so thankful for this women right here. I met her thru the founder of Hope Mommies ⚓️! I was in search of someone who could relate and understand what I was feeling. Erin gave me Jennifer's contact information and as soon as we chatted I knew that she was an amazing person.  We would text back and forth and the connection was so strong. I was so relieved to find someone that knew exactly what it was like to lose a child so early. She lost her sweet daughter Paige Marie 4 years ago. Her strength amazes me. I know that I can always count on her to be there for me when I need her. She is always sending me and sharing with me things, thoughts, pictures anything that she thinks would be helpful to me. Every time I talk to her I find such comfort and my heart is happy. We used to FaceTime a lot, but it is getting harder with our kids wanting to be apart of the conversation. Yesterday we just talked on the phone, but just hearing her voice and sharing what was going on made me feel so full and happy.  I have to say we have never met in person, but I am hoping and praying we get to meet in person within the next year. I would give her the strongest hug. I love her with all my heart and I am so thankful she is in my life! Love you my soul sister 💜!

Today

This is a hard morning for me. A year ago today I had my Level 2 ultrasound to check on our sweet baby and the high risk doctor said the baby looked perfect. He was pleased with all he saw. Jay and I left his office feeling so good and relieved. I know I was. Little did we know just 4 short days later our world will change forever. My heart breaks, I can remember seeing our little one moving around and so active. I still do not know why this is my reality and why God had to take our sweet little boy.

Jayden's tree

I just got some new lights for Jayden's tree and it makes me happy. I love looking at his tree and seeing his ornaments. It makes me sad that he is not here, but I also love when the lights are on. I am all about having tangible items since I don't have my boy with me. This time is just getting harder and harder. I can feel the inside on my heart hurting. I honestly can not believe it has been a year since this all has happened. I honestly am not sure what else to say right now.

Jayden-

Mommy misses you so much. I hate that you are not here with me and despite what others say it is not any easier. I am still not where I thought I would be. I wish I could hold you and kiss you. I hope you know how much I love you and want you hear with me every day. I hope you can feel my love. I miss you so much! I wish I could feel that you are near me. My heart aches every day for you.

November

I haven't felt like updating my blog lately, I am not sure why. I always love to blog. It could be that I don't have the time to just sit down and write out my thoughts. The time is getting near to when I lost Jayden and I just can not believe it will be here so soon. I am in such a daze some days and other days I am so overwhelmed I feel like I am drowning. 

Somedays I can not believe this is my reality. I am trying really hard to go thru each day and get thru it the best way I know how. I am have been trying to get the most out of my bible study group, but some days are hard because I am still not there with God. I am trying, but it hurts still so much. Just sitting here right now I am just so angry and don't understand why this had to happen to me. I know I may never know, but all I want is for Jayden to be here. I want to hold him and kiss him. I want to look into his eyes. I want to see the smile on his face when he sees me. I want to hear his cry. It is so hard being at work with the babies and seeing their look on their face when their mom picks them up. It makes my chest hurt. 

Jayden, mommy misses you so much and I would do anything to have you here...with me. 💜

Remembering

Today is a very hard day for me and other mom's around the world. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Losing my sweet boy Jayden is probably the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It is a hole that will never be healed. In our support group we always say this is the "club" that no mom ever wants to be a part of, but yet it is a bond that no one else could ever understand. There is not a moment that goes by that I don't think or talk about him. Please join my family and light a candle tonight at 7:00 pm in honor of Jayden and all the other sweet babies that have gone too soon!

Capture Your Grief

The past couple of days I have participated in Capture Your Grief sharing for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I will copy and paste the entries that I have done so far.

Capture Your Grief: Altar 

I have many places around my house where there is something there that reminds me of Jayden. I have his picture with our family pictures, I have his memory box where he is wrapped in his blanket next to my bed on my nightstand along with his picture, I have the picture of his name written in the sand with a starfish that was given to me by Jay last Christmas. The place in the house where I have the most stuff is my dining room. I have a tree that Ikeep up all year round with all of his ornaments, anything that I have found with his name or had made. I have starfish that also had on that tree. I also have many quotes that were given to me that remind me of Jayden. I have his memory card that the funeral had made with a quote I had picked out. Eventually we would like to get a tree in our backyard to plan and have a memory garden for him. Some people may think that is a lot of stuff to have for a child that doesn't live in this house, but you know for me I had to find every tangible item I could to grab on to since I do not have a baby to hold. I will continue to look for things that remind me of my sweet boy. By having those things I feel that it helps me in the grieving process, that truly never ends.

Capture Your Grief: Support

When something like this happens people's true colors come out. I was thankful to have a tight family and a couple close friends that were there for me during this awful time. I had many friends bring meals, send flowers, notes and they did all these things even though they knew I couldn't see them...I didn't want to see anyone. They accepted that. They not only accepted it, but still stood by me supporting me even though I couldn't even talk on the phone to them. Many of them had never experienced a loss so they honestly had know idea what I was going through. The only support people I could bring myself to talk to was immediate family, my angel nurse Audree and Vikki who was a bereavement counselor at the hospital I delivered Jayden. I found a support group thru her and started to find comfort in the fact that I wasn't alone. Another support for me has been the organization Hope Mommies. I found them and connected with other moms who had known what it was like to lose a child. I recently joined a moms bible group where I met yet another mom who lost a child, she didn't have to share her loss with me, but she did and I am forever thankful for her. Thanks to her sharing we formed an instant friendship. Support is such an important thing when you lose a child and I am so thankful for my support group!

Capture Your Grief:

I haven't participate in the whole month for this, but thought I would start on Day 9 and go thru the 15th. There is a lot I do to remember my sweet boy. I am constantly trying to educate people to know that losing Jayden wasn't just another miscarriage. I held my sweet boy in my arms for hours and kissed him. I delivered him. I have a beautiful tree that I have decorated with ornaments with his name and starfish which is my symbol for him. I have always loved the beach and to have the starfish be his symbol means so much! 

I know that some people think okay well I should be "over" it. I am thinking what does that even mean? I feel like saying could you just forget one of your kids?? I know this is such a hush hush topic, but why should it be?? It happens 1 in 4 women. We need to help break the silence and remember the sweet babies that are no longer with us.

The Emmy's

It is Emmy day for many people it is just a day of watching celebrities get beautiful and get awards, but for the family of Return to Zero this is a very bittersweet day. Please read the post Sean, the father who wrote this movie posted today! I have always been rooting for Minnie Driver to win the Emmy tonight! I know that even if she doesn't win it doesn't mean they have lost. This movie has opened the eyes of so many people who have never experienced a loss like this before. I only hope this movie can go on educating people. I know that Jayden is watching over me and knows that because of him I will continue to educate people.  you my sweet boy and I miss you every single day!




Emmy morning. This is a bittersweet day. Nerves are raw, but not for the reasons you'd think. "Winning" or "losing" feels irrelevant and, frankly, seems to miss the point entirely.

Today, like every day, we are reminded of one sad universal truth in our lives: We miss our boy.

He would be 9. 

I wish I could tie his shoes rather than tie my bow tie.

I would rather be getting in the Prius to take him to his first day of 5th grade than get into a limo to take us to our first Emmy Awards.

We'll be walking the red carpet but we'd rather be walking to the park with all three of our children.

There's no award for losing your baby. As parents all we get is silence and a hole in our hearts that forever needs mending.

Kiley & I are parents who lost our son. First and forever. This film was forged from pain, the embers of our loss stoking a small fire fanned by the wind of all of our losses.

As Marianne Williamson so famously said, and our community has proved, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

We did this. Together.

With this film, our community has created something that has helped and changed so many lives... and will continue to for years to come.

So tonight, Kiley & I will be walking the red carpet for a different reason than the rest. We will be walking it for all of our children--every step a statement--a memorial walk for those who we have lost and love so dearly.

So we dedicate today to you, Norbert. We love you and miss you beyond measure. Your brief life here has changed so many, and your mom and dad are so very proud of you.

We hope that all of you will join us today in posting photos of your children who you love and have lost, and share your stories with family and friends--because today is about much more than any award.

Today millions of people will hear about the film for the first time, and together we will continue to shatter the silence once and for all.

- Sean

Thoughts

It has been awhile since I really had time to post on my blog. This summer has been hard. Jay has been interviewing a lot and we are still hoping we hear some good news soon. I have been busy working, babysitting, and trying to keep the kids busy. In the middle of all this I think about Jayden and how he should be with us right now. I seriously go to bed every night and can not believe that this is our reality. I still am not sure why I had to lose my baby and so many people around me are able to have a healthy baby. I keep waiting for a sign or a reason for this to have happened to me. I am still waiting to see it. Some days are better than others, but I am still struggling with finding that reason.
I still feel like there is something that I could have done to prevent this from happening.

Been Awhile

It has been awhile since I could post. We have had a lot of ups and downs especially with Jay not having a job. I am praying every day that he finds something soon. I feel like him not having a job is overshadowing the fact that we lost Jayden. I hate that feeling. That isn't fair to us or to Jayden.  I hate his ex boss for doing this when he did. It is never easy to lose a job, but my god it had be just 3 months since we lost Jayden. 2014 has not been a good year so far.  I am looking for that light at the end of the tunnel. I am so thankful for our support group, without them I would be lost.

Return to Zero is a movie that came up, a true story about a couple who suffered a stillborn loss. This movie should be watched by everyone.  Minnie Driver who played the wife, her emotions were right on...it was so real and I am so thankful this movie came out. As sad as it is, this story needed to be told to help educate people understand this situation.  I feel like some people think that I am just over it, that really you are still talking about this. Yes I am, this was my son...I hate that he is not here. I want to scream so loud. I am still so angry at God and angry at other people having kids. This part is so hard. I miss Jayden every day and I just wish I could hold him, kiss, him, talk to him and just watch him sleep. AHHH! I want to scream right now!

Return to Zero

Hope everyone is getting a chance to see this amazing true story! I love you sweet Jayden!

Return to Zero

This movie should be seen by everyone out there to educate them on a not so hush, hush subject.

Been Awhile..

It has been a little while that I have actually been able to blog about what is going on instead of just posting pictures. It has now been 5 months since Jayden came into the world. I still can not believe this is our reality and I know I say that probably once a week, but it is the truth. I honestly can not believe how far we have come. There is still not a day that goes by that I don't think of my sweet Jayden. I miss him so much! I think I am afraid that I will forget, not forget him, but forget the little moments I got to spend with him. I can still remember holding him and thinking how fragile he is as I passed him along to Jay or Audree. I so wanted to see his eyes. He was just the most perfect little baby boy next to Austen. I obviously never saw Austen this little, but I am almost positive that Austen looked exactly like Jayden looked.

I have been fortunate to have "met" some amazing women through this journey. The past 7 weeks I have been involved with a Hope Group thru Hope Mommies. It is a collection of women who "meet"-some in person, some online -and share their stories with one another, pray together, ask questions, share hurts, happinesses, recipes...and together find that there is still hope after the death of our precious sons and daughters. 

I have connected with two amazing moms-Jennifer and Ryan. Jennifer is my soul sister and leader through this journey to so many women. Ryan, I have felt a connection with since the beginning, she reached out and we have been close ever since. We share a lot of the same views! I feel I am finally able to really understand what having HOPE is. I know someday I will be reunited with my sweet baby boy Jayden. 

Jayden

Today should have been a happy day, not a day full of tears and emptiness. My sweet Jayden should have been entering the world today as a full grown baby, healthy and happy to finally meet his family. His sister and brother were so excited for his arrival. Addison talked all about how she was going to hold him and help me with him. Austen was telling me that his favorite dinosaur is T-Rex. It is fitting that today is a cloudy day, I hope it is sunny in heaven my sweet boy. I hope you are filled with the love from your mom, dad and sister and brother. I hope you that you know how much we love you and wanted you. We were so excited for you to join our family, but instead of joining us on earth you went to heaven instead. The reason I will never know and life is still not fair. I think about all the milestones I will miss watching you grow, smile, laugh, crawl for the first time. I also think how it isn't fair that you don't have your mom and dad with you, but please know I think about you every day! I kiss your picture every night. I long to just hold you and kiss your sweet face. You looked so much like your brother when you were born. I can only imagine the trouble/fun you and Austen would have gotten into. I can see Addison being that protective big sister she already is to Austen. Mom and Dad love you so much! I still can not believe this day is here. My heart hurts so much for you. 

A Mother’s Love

I didn’t have to look into your eyes
to fall in love with you.
I didn’t need to hear you cry
to know you loved me too.
I didn’t need to hold your hand
to cherish you for always.
Within my womb, we shared our hearts.
You touched my soul.
You sweetened my spirit.
You gave me memories I’ll always hold dear.
Yes. My heart aches since you departed too soon.
But a mother’s love does not end with death.
For you are my child.
Forever my love is yours.

The Miscarriage Misconception

I recently was shared by a friend this article and it hit right home for those people that do not know how to handle the whole losing a child subject. This is a great article worth sharing.

http://operationwife.com/miscarriage-misconception/

Hope Groups!

This week I started an online bible study group thru Hope Mommies. My amazing soul sister is the leader of the group and I am glad to be apart of it. I am really struggling with my faith and trusting God again. I am really hoping that when the 8 weeks are done I can feel stronger in my faith and also have made some new friends.

Wednesday

Today has been a hard morning for me. I have been thinking a lot about Jayden and my heart has been hurting missing him. I just want to scream out loud. Life is so unfair and it hurts me inside. I am constantly trying to find things with his name on it. I miss my boy and I want him here with me!