Working on me

The past couple weeks I have been seeing my counselor again. I started seeing her a couple months after losing Jayden. A couple months ago I felt myself going back down into a place I didn't like. I thought 2 years after losing Jayden I would be in a different place...what place I would be in? I am not really sure. I just hate the feeling I feel and how I feel when I see a pregnant women. It is very hard. I should be in a place now that is so much different than I am. I should have a 2 year old along with my 5 and 9 year old. I hate it. I am trying to figure out how to switch my mind to another place.

If anyone has ever been in a dark place they understand how it feels. I am trying to put myself first and try to work on me and what is going on inside me. I need to do this to make sure I can be the best mom , wife and friend I can be.

Happy 6th Birthday to Austen!!

How could my little boy be 6?!?! When did this happen? I sure didn't let it happen. I am so thankful for him and I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He brings so much happiness and love to our lives. It seems like just yesterday I was at my last day at work and then contractions started.  Austen is a true blessing and he has brought so much more to my life than he will ever know especially after everything we have been thru. I love you Austen Michael!!! Thank you for making Daddy and I so proud!

Jayden's 2nd birthday in heaven

I know it has been awhile since I wrote again, but I wanted to share about Jayden's birthday! I can not believe it has been 2 years since I lost Jayden. I was thankful that Jay took off Jayden's birthday. We got to spend the whole day together which was so nice. We got balloons for Jayden and picked up a cake. We took the kids out for dinner and we celebrated the best we could without our sweet boy!
The kids always love to write notes to Jayden on their balloons. Austen really got into it since he is writing so well now. It melted my heart.

Jayden, mommy misses you every day and it breaks my heart that you aren't with me and your family. I know someday we will meet again. I love you my sweetboy!

A Gift

Yesterday I did something I never thought I could have done. I had bought a baby boy present to be given to the first baby boy that was born on Jayden's birthday! I am thankful that both Vikki and Audree were there yesterday to help me out with this. I am also so thankful for my friend Catherine, who even though she just lost a baby recently herself, she offered to go with me so I wouldn't have to go alone. I am thankful and blessed to have these people in my life!

Happy Birthday to Audree

Today is Audree's birthday, she is my angel here on earth.  I am so thankful for her and for being there that night when I found out we were going to lose Jayden. Since then she has become a part of our family, our kids play together and the bond I have with her will always be strong. I am so thankful for all that she has done for me and for others. Happy Birthday my forever friend! Love you my friend and hope you have an amazing day!!!

Time is flying

It has been so long since I have written on my blog. I am not sure why I haven't. I feel like so much has happened in just these past couple months. Austen starting kindergarten was a big shock for me, thankfully he has an amazing teacher. I am not sure what I would do if Miss Gauger wasn't his teacher. She is definitely a gift sent from God. Austen is loving kindergarten which is amazing and in just these past couple of months he has learned so much. He is so proud of himself and so our we. There is still a part of me that hurts everytime he gets on that bus every morning. How can my little man be gone all day?? I should have a 2 year old at home and the thought of Jayden not being here with me is so hard.

Addison is loving 3rd grade, but she is realizing it is not as much fun as 2nd grade. Although she does get to use Chrome books every day which she was so excited about. I feel like she is growing up so fast and I am not sure how I feel about it. I love that we can share more together, but sometimes..all the time I wish she was my cute little toddler. She is loving soccer right now and is loving the team she is on. We couldn't be more proud of her.

I can hardly believe it is November. Time is just going too fast! I am keeping busy working for Rodan and Fields as a Consultant, an Assistant Preschool teacher and still working at the gym. I LOVE all my jobs, but they for sure keep me busy! I hope to blog more than I have been. I feel that blogging helps me especially when I am coming up to Jayden's 2 year.

Life...

Boy life has been crazy lately.  I wanted to update on how Austen is doing with kindergarten. He loves every minute of it. He is learning so much and just loves going. He loves coming home and telling us all he learned. He came home yesterday telling us all about him learning syllables and knowing how to find how many syllables in a name. He lights up every time he talks about school! I am so thankful for his teacher and all she does for him! She also sends pictures home which I love!